Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
