I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
