Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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