I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
