We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
