he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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