You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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