You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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