Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
