The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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