And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
