i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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