Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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