I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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