Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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