The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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