you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
