he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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