I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
