Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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