Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
