eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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