I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
