Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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