Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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