Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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