Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
