i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
