Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
my liver is dry heaving
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
