i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
