I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize