I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Randomize
