You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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