She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
