Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
