I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
