Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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