I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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