it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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