I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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