If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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