I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
