I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
