Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Randomize
