I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
