I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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