I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
