Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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