Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
