yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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