you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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