Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
