I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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