How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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