I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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