Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
home. puking in laundry basket.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
