Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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