my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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