Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize