I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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