i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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