He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
