No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
